Seduction! Bastard Style
by Maccan
Summary: Sasuke knows it's time to find a wife. But it's Sasuke, and no one can meet his standards, what's a poor teme to do? Oneshot, slight crack, SasukeNaruto


When _the _Uchiha Sasuke finally made the decision it was time for Uchiha tots to roam the lands once more, he went about his courting a little...differently than the _humans _he was loathe to associate himself with would have. No, when Sasuke went out looking for a future wife (a long term baby maker, for those of you that don't speak Sasuke-ese), there was no examination of cleavage, or gawking over a little bit of exposed thigh, or whatever it was that the _simpletons _that occupied his village did. No, no, there was none of that.

Those things didn't interest him, really. If he wanted thighs and breasts, he would have succumbed to Ino's forceful affection long ago. To Sasuke, your merit was weighed on one thing. Power.

So, when Sasuke went courting, he didn't spare a glance at physical features, his bloodline would assure good looks, instead, Sasuke approached the situation as logically as possible.

Every day, without fail, the Uchiha would head to Hokage Tower, station himself at the door, and proceede to pick fights with anyone who passed him that appeared to have a uterus.

Well, maybe not anyone, he did have _some _standards, regardless of strength. For instance, that old Hag Tsunade was never a candidate. Never. Really!...Well, not for long, anyway. He may have _toyed _with the notion for a while (the idea of her physical strength, with his bloodline, gave him somewhat of a figurative hard-on), but her long held resentment towards him caused said notion to fly out of his head with fleeing abilities not unlike that of his grey-haired Sensei. But _really, _he was just _toying _with the thought, as _if_ he'd get near her fifty-something body. He had a sneaking suspicion the wrinkles would somehow appear during the sex act and engulf him whole if he were to ever pursue the old woman as a possible Uchiha Incubator...

But I digress.

After his brief fling with the idea of choosing Tsunade, Sasuke quickly cast away thoughts of any women more than two years his senior. Bothersome wenches had the nasty habit of demanding respect for their superior

age. Sasuke, of course, continued to deny them the respect, or even _acknowledgement_ in some cases (Anko), much to the women's chagrin. He predictably wouldn't buckle. Sasuke just didn't see the point in showing respect to someone who was older than him. After all, it just meant their bodies were further on the path of deterioration than his own.

On that note, Sasuke also made the decision anyone under fifteen was out of the question as well. He may have been only nineteen, but the idea of being an old pervert struck him deeply as _wrong, _so he refrained from even checking on any of their abilities. It was a shame, really, because so much of his ever active fan club was in the 'fifteen-and-under' age group, but still. One too many decidedly _creepy _experiences with Orochimaru's voyeuristic tendencies while he bathed had been imprinted on his memory, even two years after his Sensei's demise.

Unfortunately for our Avenger, that narrowed his options down drastically. After days of picking fights with countless chunnin (to no avail), he found himself at an impasse. Not one of them could make him break a sweat, much less break a bone (privately, he suspected this was partially due to the fact that the swooning idiots kept allowing themselves to be injured just so that Sasuke would be forced to gather them in his arms, and dash to a medic-nin as the twits tried to grope him under the pretense of sleeping. He _loathed _women). He could have wept. Could have, but didn't. Uchihas don't weep. Especially over something so trivial as the idiots that were Konoha's Kunoichi.

Feeling miserable, and taking it out by glaring at random, innocent villagers, Sasuke reviewed his remaining options. Well...There was always... They _were _decent shinobi, if a bit daft at times. But that was to be suspected, they were girls.

And that was the train of thought that led him here, at his old Team 7 training grounds...Surrounded by three panting females. Hinata, after much, much coaxing of course, Ino, as much as his testicles wanted to crawl up into his body and hide at the mere _thought_, she was pretty strong, and Sakura. He almost didn't invite the last, despite her being the only female he was ever really able to tolerate (I use this word lightly, it _is _still Sasuke). His testicles shrunk up _further _at the chance, however slim, of pink haired Uchiha children.

But he had invited her, along with the other two, and they all came, albeit mostly driven by curiosity at what _the _Sasuke could want with them, And, to his delight (and theirs), there was a definite sheen of sweat on his brow.

He almost whooped in joy. _Almost._

As the girls scrambled for purchase on their knees as they panted, Sasuke turned his eyes to the sky to hide the smug look there. Everything was going exactly to plan!...Except...well...

He was sure a sliver of his hip was visible, having been pulled down an inch or so when he'd propelled himself upwards a might too quickly. He could _feel _ the breeze on his skin so...why weren't they staring?

It was rare for him to show any flesh like that, and when he did he'd always been bathed in appreciative looks from the girls. Once, at a hot spring, the dividing wall between the men and women's section had fallen (a certain ero-sennin just _happened _to be in the area, armed with pen and paper), and in those scant seconds a few women, Ino included, had been witness to Sasuke...clothed only in steam. A few shrieked, and a simply fainted from blood loss in the moments it too to cover up.

But now... they weren't even paying attention. Not one of them was looking. Something was wrong.

In rising panic Sasuke began to contemplate what was the matter. He was still beautiful, wasn't he? The girls at the Ramen Stand had certainly fawned over him yesterday...so what was the problem now?

Could he... possibly... have been too late?

Surely not?!

Sakura and Ino were supposed to be rivals for his affection! And Hinata... well, she was just supposed to be too shy to pursue love!

Now near having a fit, Sasuke reviewed all the possible reasons why they weren't loosing their heads over his exposed hip. Ino... She _had _been reacting very violently, ah, more so, to Shikamaru's frequent visits from Suna's finest... He'd always just chalked it up to her crazy woman-ness, another one of her aggressive quirks! But... Maybe...

Well, alright. Ino was out (he swore his testicles sighed in relief). But what about Sakura? And Hinata? He'd always known Hinata had a crush on the dobe, but as of late she hadn't been blushing (it was Hinata, there was always going to be _some _blushing) as much...Around Naruto at least. Her cousin, on the other hand, was a different story. She seemed to be capable of stuttering on _air _now, no longer hindered by the need for words, no, she could stutter on anything with the older Hyuuga in sight. Fuck! He'd lost Hinata (and her oh so precious kekkei genkai) to incest, of all things.

Fine! There was always Sakura! But... then again. She _had _been the recipient of Rock Lee's undying affection for a few years now, and more recently she'd actually been returning the compliments he paid her with some of her own. And, as much as he was pained to admit it, Eyebrows was strong. And persistent. No...It wouldn't do to steal Sakura. He'd have a spandex-clad loser following them, spouting nonsense about youth and how Sasuke had stolen his. More than likely not he'd be _crying_ while he issued challenges to a duel for Sakura's love. Frankly, she wasn't worth it (Again, his testicles sighed).

...Fuck. He'd run out of girls.

Instantly in one of his _moods, _Sasuke stalked off, not even bothering to give the kunoichis a backwards glance, or words of explanation. The _sluts!_ They'd abandoned him in his time of reproductive need to pursue, _ugh,_ real relationships, with emotions, and love... Traitors. He was feeling horridly depressed (more so than usual) as he glared his way towards Ichiraku, intent on finding the dobe and, perhaps, picking a fight with him.

Well. That was it then. He resigned himself to having to breed with some old hag (Tsunade immediately came to mind, and his testicles once again shrunk back an inch). It would be terrible. The gods were truly intent on making him the recipient of ill deserved, in his opinion, cosmic karma for the rest of his days. Woe.

Still, he had irritating the dobe to look forward to, so perhaps it wouldn't be all bad. Yeah... there was always the dobe.

With that thought in mind, Sasuke successfully made his way to a waiting bar stool, sitting down with all the poise and grace a miserable Uchiha is expected to maintain. Which is a lot, mind you. But, apparently he'd done something right and the karma distributors from above had finally deemed him worthy of a ray of sunshine. Literally. The idiot's hair reached his waist, in pigtails no less!, and very possibly outshone the sun, for which is retinas weeped. But that wasn't the point. What was the point, was that Sasuke had an epiphany. A glorious, glorious epiphany. The slight widening of his eyes and the ghost of a smirk hiding behind a careful sneer the only outer evidence of this epiphany, but it was an epiphany none the less!

Had he been any other man, he would have gawked at the sight. But he wasn't, so he didn't...Outwardly.

Naruto, and six of his clones, in all of their Harem no jutsu glory, surrounding Iruka in a shameless attempt to weasel free ramen. Or so he assumed. Sasuke couldn't really be bothered to put too much thought into the matter, all of the blood intended for his brain had rushed decidedly southward in euphoria.

He was only vaguely aware a few minutes later when Naruto shifted back into singular, non-naked form a few moments later to attend to a now unconscious Iruka. He could only spare half his attention to the dobe, because the other half was divided between willing away his cheery erection (testicles having apparently forgotten all about Tsunade and her sagging breasts) and coming up with the plan. The plan to end all plans.

Wait. This was Naruto. The smug grin was back, because this was Naruto. If there was one thing Sasuke knew, it was how to goad his blonde teammate. And he could goad the dobe into doing _anything. _That... and, it wouldn't be _so _bad. He'd seen the looks Naruto gave him,(Naruto's forte had never been subtlety, and probably never would be), he was sure Naruto could be gradually persuaded into The Plan. And... Truth be told, he liked Naruto's quirks...Deep down. Deep deep down, he liked them. And... He supposed, he liked how Naruto made him feel not so lonely, even if the dobe's way of doing this was by calling him a bastard. He... He could put up with Naruto. (Famed Uchiha pride wouldn't allow Sasuke to admit to more, even to himself. No loss, it was easier to suppress a blush when he wasn't completely honest with himself)

So, determined, and letting a cool smirk graze his lips, Sasuke descended into _another _form of seduction. No candies and declarations of love here either, no, this would be '_Seduction! Bastard style!'_. Keeping it in mind that this was the _dobe_, and not some girl, Sasuke turned in his stool to face Naruto as the idiot dobe fretted over his sensei. And then, he let out a snort. A loud snort, too. Predictably, Naruto whirled around to face him, unknowingly sending Iruka toppling on the floor with the sudden flurry of air.

" Eh?! What are _you _doing here, Sasuke-teme?" He bellowed, in true Naruto form. He sounded loud and indignant, if you had never heard Naruto speak before, but to a seasoned friend there was masked delight in seeing his friend at his place of worship.

The smirk grew.

" Hn. Dobe. Your most fearsome technique involves naked gender bending. _And,_" He paused for effect, watching the dobe become steadily angrier was never anything short of fun, before continuing with a cool tone, issuing an obvious challenge, " I bet you couldn't even hold the jutsu for an hour." He glanced briefly as his proud erection before snapping the gaze back to Naruto, smirk growing along with the foreboding tension, "...Or two."

END

**AN: ...I have no idea where that came from. I have no beta, so bear with me. And yes, I know it was terrible, but it took an hour to write, and I was easily half asleep while doing so. But! It amused me...Hope I can say the same for you. :D**

**Also, Sasuke is very OOC. As is Sakura. As _if_ that girl would ever give up on her Sasu-chan. Still. I hope you liked it, even a _little._**


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